“I was constantly reminded that if I didn’t vouch for my family in the most favorable light, I could and probably would be separated from them. (I now recognize that to be another clear sign of abuse.) The fear of child protective services, and social workers in general (being agents who tore families apart), was both irrational yet deeply ingrained in me as a child.”
I’m a 33-year-old mother of three. I was educated by homeschooling from 1985 to 1990 in Illinois and 1991 to 1995 in Pennsylvania. From all outward appearances, my life is fabulous. I’m married, in a stable relationship, my husband and I own our own business, I have been educated to graduate level, I have healthy, vibrant, intelligent children. Yes, I have everything going for me. But lift away the layers and you’ll meet a deeply broken woman who struggles to meet life’s demands, its ebb and flow, with endurance, confidence, and the zest that is deeply a part of her core.
Growing up, I always knew something was wrong with my family. I felt like an outsider, I almost always felt afraid of my parents, and when I didn’t, the fear was replaced with an awkwardness I couldn’t quite pinpoint. Any attempt to establish my own identity was immediately slammed with extreme methods of dignity-robbing. Do I blame the abuse on homeschooling? No. I place the blame on my parents, adults who needed help they refused to recognize they needed. In my experience, homeschooling equaled intentional isolation. Isolation is very often the first sign of abuse.
Only in recent years (2009 to present), have I finally been able to name the abuse for what it was and, in part, understand my parents for who they were in my formative years: well-intentioned but entirely misguided. Through the extensive testimony of my experiences, my dad has been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder, sex addiction, narcissism, and dissociative complex. My mother has been identified as having severe borderline personality disorder and narcissism. Any time in the past four years that a new diagnosis on the part of my parents has been revealed, I have gone through a period of severe anxiety, depression, and grief. Words on a screen don’t seem to relay the depth of my experience. I have often told my husband and close friends that my therapists’ shocked facial expressions have been the most validating therapy for me. Writing has helped. Various methods of trauma therapy have helped to an extent. But for me, what has been most healing has been human-to-human interaction and validation. And time. Lots and lots of time.
My parents decided to homeschool as a means of “protecting” my brother and I from the social and spiritual “ills” of secular society. But the vacuum created by the lack of healthy community, from my perspective defined as an integrated, wholesome, nurturing system of interaction, checks, and balances, was devastating. Sure, we socialized with people of the same religious persuasion as my parents. We even joined a few homeschooling groups for “extra” curricular activities and classes. However, and in retrospect, with my parents as sick as they were, my socialization was always carefully scrutinized and micromanaged. As an adult, I’ve learned that what I always suspected was quite accurate. It isn’t normal to have to repeat, word-for-word, conversations that occurred when parents aren’t around. It’s not normal to be given word-for-word conversations that are to take place with peers or on the phone when parents aren’t around to officiate.
I believed, being homeschooled through the elementary grades and some of middle school, that though my parents were “strict” I was basically fine. There were events I didn’t like but didn’t feel as traumatic until I hit puberty. My dad was hyper aware of his sexuality and went to great lengths to define the great difference between males and females. I was one of two children. I was the youngest and had a brother almost two years older than me. My dad involved me in his sex addiction by doing astoundingly inappropriate things.
Once I reached puberty, my parents explained what was happening to my body to MY BROTHER. It was at that point that he started molesting me. He always did it when my parents weren’t around, and he always threatened me with physical violence if I told. I lived in constant terror. I didn’t know what being raped meant, but I now know that was my constant terror. I learned to love solitude. I was only safe when I was alone. It was blessing that we lived in the country where I was allowed to be out in nature alone. I feel that nature nurtured me in that time and gave me some life back in return for the time I spent out in the sunshine and with the trees. I would have been much worse for me had I not been granted that “freedom.” When I was almost sixteen I finally told my parents about what my brother was doing. It wasn’t as often as earlier in puberty and I had gained a bit of “rebellious” confidence, so, since he continued, I told them. The reaction I received was complete betrayal. First, they denied that anything had been going on. Then, they talked to him and since he denied any of my allegations, they accused me of trying to break our family apart. I have yet to get over and heal from the sexual damage that was done by my dad and then my brother.
These examples do not encompass the totality of my experience. They offer just a sample of the depth of damage that can occur when unhealthy, controlling parents partner up and isolate their children by homeschooling with no checks and balances in effect. I truly believe that my parents thought they were doing what was right. But it didn’t make it right. My mom was involved in many subversive forms of abuse because of her issues, but she isn’t excluded from the sexual abuse. I could write for weeks on end (and have in therapy) about the incredibly weird, outrageous, and abusive events of my homeschooling years. I’d like to switch gears and touch on the academic end of the issue.
For my elementary and middle school education, homeschooling with the popular textbooks available at the time was adequate and even excelled that of local public schools. When we still lived in Illinois, a neighbor had called the school district and reported my family for truancy. The school district’s superintendent visited our home, reviewed our work, and congratulated my mom on providing an excellent education. In higher grades however, my parents did not provide access to continued excellence.
At 12 years of age, the summer before beginning 9th grade (I had been pushed ahead two grades in order to study the same subject matter as my brother), I asked my parents to send me to school. They met my request with an INTERVENTION of homeschooling moms who had either attended public school themselves or had children they had pulled out of the public school system. I didn’t listen to half they said, it all sounded so horrible. The main point I debated with my parents was that I wanted to go to college (I was 12 years old, mind you), and that I wanted ONE high school on my transcript. They assured me that a homeschooling transcript was highly sought after by many acclaimed colleges. Additionally, the state law of Pennsylvania developed some oversight of our education by requiring regular testing and yearly portfolios to be submitted to the local district.
Well, in 9th grade, we homeschooled. In 10th grade, after my brother expressed interest in joining the football team of our local high school, my mother decided it would be best to just enroll him in classes and I quickly jumped on that opportunity as well. Being two years younger than everyone in my classes, I made some friends but had a difficult time socially, so my parents transferred us to a local private school after football season was over. In 11th grade my mom said she would homeschool me and not my brother but apparently was pressured by my dad into homeschooling both of us anyway. And then in 12th grade we attended the “school” at the church we were currently attending. My brother and I made up both the graduating class that year, as well as the entire high school. All of this to say that it wasn’t surprising in my freshman year of college, that my academic advisor laughed at my transcript and chosen major (premed biology) because he said all my peers in the same classes would have had AP courses and I just did not have the science background to compete.
It wasn’t easy, in fact I had to retake a few core courses, but I made it. I’m a doctor today, and though not practicing, I’m proud of what I accomplished. For the time being I am taking the time I need to care for myself, and my healing, while doing my best to raise my own family with an entirely new set of values. I’m attempting to leave an inspiring legacy and one of acceptance and love.
On the topic of regulation or oversight, I don’t know that any system would be effective with homeschooling families of the type I grew up with. I was constantly reminded that if I didn’t vouch for my family in the most favorable light, I could and probably would be separated from them. (I now recognize that to be another clear sign of abuse.) The fear of child protective services, and social workers in general (being agents who tore families apart), was both irrational yet deeply ingrained in me as a child. I do wish that someone had had the ears to listen and hear what I was going through, but I’m not convinced I had vernacular to describe it as a child, adolescent, or even young adult. For years, I just described my parents as super strict and weird. I now know it was much worse than that. I talked to a pastor after high school and parents of friends in high school (those friendships were shortly cut off by my parents due to “bad influences”) and they listened but, again, I don’t think I had the ability to truly communicate the depth of what was happening because I was still living through it and it was still “normal” to me.
I do not wish my experience on anyone. Yet, as seasons shift in my life, I become increasingly aware that as I heal from my trauma, as the pain changes to anger and grief and acceptance, I am more who I am because of what I lived through. So while I wouldn’t, at any price, want to live through my experience of homeschooling again, I know I am stronger, deeper, and more real to the people close to me today because of it. In the words of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
Megan P. was homeschooled in Illinois and Pennsylvania from 1985 to 1995. For additional thoughts and experiences from other homeschool alumni, see our Testimonials page.
Last Updated: 16 May, 2016 by CRHE
LaDonna Sasscer: “We home educators should welcome accountability”
“The homeschool community should be leading the way in demanding accountability in home education. We who are not abusing our children, we who are providing a quality education, we who want to be accepted participants in community life, should demand politicians put in place a process that differentiates between quality home education and child neglect, and in the worst cases, abuse.”
I believe firmly that home education is a viable option for parents, but that the current legal environment for home education is way too lax. I home schooled in the state of Florida for nine years beginning in 1995, and I was in full compliance with their home education laws. I believe the accountability in the home education statutes of Florida made me a better home educator. I then moved to North Carolina where I continued to home school for another seven years, until I graduated my youngest in 2011. The minimal regulations in North Carolina are, in my opinion, scandalous.
Florida’s home education statutes required that a home educator keep a daily log of learning activities, a list of all texts and materials used, and be able to supply those records along with samples of a student’s work upon two weeks written notice from the local school districts superintendent’s office. As a home educator who takes education seriously, I appreciated the professionalism involved in keeping meticulous records. It kept me on my toes, as I made sure that my children’s education would be shown to be challenging them “commensurate with” their individual “ability”. I touched on every subject every school day, and probably put more effort and creativity into projects and field trips knowing that at the end of the year, a licensed school psychologist would look at my records and evaluate my program. After moving to North Carolina, I continued to keep records for my own benefit, but I must confess they were not as detailed as I kept in Florida, because no one would ever see them. I merely used them to reference dates and projects for my children’s college applications.
In both states I met families that were more concerned about religious indoctrination and compliant behavior than education. In Florida, those not intending to provide a quality education for their students would join “private schools that allowed for home education”. All these schools required, as far as record keeping, were days in attendance (which has got to be the most ridiculous requirement for a home education program ever!) and that the school have on file birth certificates and vaccination records or an immunization waiver. In the private school umbrella programs I witnessed, students also had to take a nationally-normed standardized test at the end of each year. Ironically enough, these are the same requirements that all home educators meet in North Carolina. In both states, there are no penalties for low scores on these tests, only a requirement that students take them.
In this environment of no oversight, it is easy for the less conscientious parent to get by with little, poorly executed, or even no education. I have seen with my own eyes a ten year old child who couldn’t read the panel on the Mario Brother’s video game asking a player to choose between one player or two. Illiteracy is a curse no parent should put on their child. Beyond that, though, I have met homeschool graduates in recent years that were victims of medical neglect, psychological abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse and spiritual abuse. I know personally graduates who received great academic educations, but whose parents deny them any proof of high school. There are home education graduates whose home birthing parents even denied them birth certificates, without which one can’t even prove citizenship. These home school graduates are consigned to a minimum wage existence, as they can’t attain any higher education with no birth certificate or proof of high school education. This is unacceptable to me.
The homeschool community should be leading the way in demanding accountability in home education. We who are not abusing our children, we who are providing a quality education, we who want to be accepted participants in community life, should demand politicians put in place a process that differentiates between quality home education and child neglect, and in the worst cases, abuse. Honest and capable home educating parents have nothing to fear from accountability. If they are of the Christian faith, that goes double, as we are supposed to “live such good lives among the pagans that they . . . may see our good deeds and glorify God on the day He visits (I Peter 2:12, NIV).” No one lights a candle to hide under a cover, but to put on a stand for all to see, so Jesus told us (Mark 4, Luke 8, Luke 11). Christian home educators, above all kinds of home educators, should welcome accountability and seek it out!
Home educators claim to love children, and many of them claim to be disciples of Jesus, who also loved children. How then can the homeschool community shrug off the child deaths at the hands of abusive home educating parents? It seems to me that if we love children as we say we do, we would gladly submit to any level of accountability in order to protect the few who are languishing in bad homes because of the current lack of meaningful accountability. As soon as I heard the story of a homeschool graduate who suffered medical neglect, I thought to myself, “If only that child had an annual school physical, that serious health problem would have been discovered!” I am now 100% in favor of annual school physicals for home educated children, as well as daily logs of activities, lists of texts and materials used in education, and annual portfolio evaluations by a licensed school psychologist, as per the state of Florida home education requirements. Children deserve these protections.
I am in favor of closing all the loopholes, including the awful private school clause in the state of Florida. I see no problem with basic education requirements such as reading comprehension, basic math literacy, and minimal composition requirements as well. Annual school physicals, that include hearing and vision tests, should be minimum requirements. Anyone incapable of keeping a daily record of activities (Even unschoolers can do this! All of life is learning, right?) is in my opinion not competent to be in charge of a child’s education. The key phrase in Florida’s statutes, that learning is taking place “commensurate with his/her ability” means that while there would be no minimum score on a nationally-normed standardized test, all children should show progress from year to year. If a child cannot show progress, then the state should offer helps and interventions, such as evaluation for learning disabilities or teacher workshops offered to parents who want to improve. After two years of no progress, a parents right to home educate is forfeit and the child must be placed in credentialed education program that meets in a building with classrooms, run by trained professionals. A private school “that allows for home education” should not be an option.
I think that more exposure to the bright light of accountability will be good for all home education programs. My own program, while it is academically rigorous and in many ways an excellent choice for my children, had its weaknesses. For example, my son was not aware that he had ADD until he enrolled in community college and had trouble staying focused outside of class. Since we focused on academics every day until the work was done, with no set class times, how could he have known? He had no homework; it was all homework technically. Perhaps if I had continued to have those annual year-end evaluations, it may have been apparent to a school psychologist eventually. My daughter also had issues that a trained professional might have seen and been able to help us with. My religious proclivities had me seeing everything as a moral issue when biology and genetics were making adolescence especially difficult for my student. An extra pair of objective eyes looking at the family dynamics might have saved us a lot of grief.
To be plain, I am saying that the only way my home education could have been better was if I had access to professional accountability all the way through graduation, as I had in Florida. It would likely have made things much easier on my teenagers. Annual portfolio evaluations and annual physicals would be a help, not a hindrance, to home educating families. As responsible adults, we home educators should welcome accountability that will win praise for those doing well, assistance for those floundering, and exposure for those who are harming the children in their care.
We can have accountability that improves the quality of home education rather than hinders it. It is humanly possible to write regulations that refrain from dictating pedagogy and merely evaluate results on a periodic basis. It is possible to have cooperation between the home education and professional communities, such as annual school physicals, learning disability screenings, and teacher workshops, that work in the best interests of all homeschooled children. It is not enough for home educating parents to only care about their children, and not those children whose abusive parents use home education as a cover for their crimes. We need to work within our civic communities to make sure every child that can be helped is identified and offered help, while every healthy home schooling family is recognized and rewarded for pursuing excellence. It’s the least we can do for the least of these our brethren.
LaDonna Sasscer homeschooled her two children in Florida and North Carolina from 1995 to 2011. For additional thoughts and experiences from other homeschool parents, see our Testimonials page.
Last Updated: 16 May, 2016 by CRHE
Lara Kondor: “I had never actually intended to homeschool my son”
“Christian … was allowed to explore reading, math, history and science at his own pace and to develop a great passion for learning. However, he worries that this may not be true of all homeschooled children. He especially worries for the girls he knew that were being told as young as five that they would not go to college because their duty was to be a good wife and mom.”
I home schooled my son Christian in Florida from 2004 to 2009. I was, perhaps, a unique homeschool mom in that I had never actually intended to homeschool my son. Instead, we chose to do so as he began reading at a very young age and was so very curious about things he simply would not get a chance to dive into in a traditional public school setting.
In the state of Florida, we were required to file a letter of intent to home educate. Subsequently, each year we were required to provide the county with either a letter stating that he had passed a standardized test or that he had a portfolio reviewed by a certified teacher.
While home schooled children had the option of taking the state test at no charge alongside their public school peers, we never even considered using this option. The FCAT was a dirty word among homeschoolers. We did, however, test annually. Unlike many of my friends who bristled at this requirement, I welcomed testing. It was proof that my child was thriving—that my decision to educate in this manner was working. Each year, he did exceedingly well on whichever test he took. I was always so proud of these scores.
I did have other friends who also tested. I imagine most of the kids who did were also succeeding academically. However, I did know some who upon underperforming on a test then turned to the portfolio review. Others only ever considered the portfolio review. Can this type of review be done effectively? Perhaps. From what I could tell, though, these “reviews” often consisted of very little beyond finding a sympathetic teacher who was willing to sign your form and perhaps showing them some of your child’s best work. How else can I explain the sixth grader who could not read the word “house” or the high school student who struggled with basic math concepts but whom both always had their portfolio approved?
When Christian got older, it became apparent to us both that his passion for math and science was outpacing my ability to instruct or challenge him. In addition, we were troubled both by our difficulty finding unbiased curriculum and by social challenges presented by the heavily evangelical homeschool population in our area. He enrolled in the local public school in 5th grade. My decision was not welcomed by those I had considered friends for years. I was considered a traitor to the movement. A sinner. Christian was shunned entirely.
We worried about the transition. We had spent the last many years hearing such horrible stories about public schools. Imagine our surprise when Christian loved it. While a little bored initially, he was placed in increasingly challenging classes all the while earning perfect grades and near perfect test scores. His biggest fear the first year was the dreaded FCAT. He was so surprised to find that it was actually quite simple compared to tests he had taken previously and he struggled with the notion that so many feared it.
Christian believes homeschooling did benefit him. He was allowed to explore reading, math, history and science at his own pace and to develop a great passion for learning. However, he worries that this may not be true of all homeschooled children. He especially worries for the girls he knew that were being told as young as five that they would not go to college because their duty was to be a good wife and mom.
For this reason, Christian would like to see all homeschoolers in the state of Florida take the FCAT. We both believe that unless fundamental math and reading skills are lacking it is very unlikely that a homeschooled child would have difficulty with the exam. We believe that homeschoolers should be held to the same standards as their public school counterparts. A proper education is so important for our children—regardless of how they are educated. Neither Christian nor I can see how ensuring that a minimum bar of achievement is met constitutes an intrusion on parental rights. If anything, it is parents’ duty as parents to ensure that our children receive the best education they can.
Lara Condor homeschooled her son in Florida from 2004 to 2009. For additional thoughts and experiences from other homeschool parents, see our Testimonials page.
Last Updated: 16 May, 2016 by CRHE
Jackie Cordon: “I always felt very fortunate with Iowa’s homeschooling laws”
“I always felt very fortunate with Iowa’s homeschooling laws. I homeschooled my children in Iowa for fifteen years, all the way up until my youngest graduated three years ago. I’m writing because Iowa’s homeschooling law benefited my own children in a real way, and I want present and future homeschooled children in Iowa to have these same benefits.”
As a Christian homeschooling parent of four, I always felt very fortunate with Iowa’s homeschooling laws. I homeschooled my children in Iowa for fifteen years, all the way up until my youngest graduated three years ago. I’m writing because Iowa’s homeschooling law benefited my own children in a real way, and I want present and future homeschooled children in Iowa to have these same benefits.
The Iowa homeschooling law has allowed parents to choose one of several options to satisfy the Competent Private Instruction requirement. There is the annual assessment, which means results from a standardized test, either taken through the school system or provided in some form by the parent, or this could be satisfied by a teacher assessing a portfolio of the child’s work. Basically either one needs to show some kind of progress being made. The other option is a supervising teacher who meets with the family every 45 days. The family can choose dual enrollment where the school receives funds and then the child can access textbooks, classes, extracurricular activities, and standardized testing. Or a family can choose, if the school district makes it available, to sign up for a homeschool assistance program where the school receives funds to provide the supervising teacher. Most of the homeschoolers I knew chose dual enrollment for the access to the school library, field trips, sports, and extracurricular activities like choir, speech, and drama.
During our 15 years of homeschooling, we used both the standardized test assessment option and the supervising teacher option through the homeschool assistance program our school district provided upon our request. The teacher we worked with was incredible, and our children preferred meeting with her over the testing option, since test taking was difficult for them. The teacher helped us acquire school textbooks when we found them suitable and loaned us a large number of reading books. The children developed a relationship with her over the years, and she still takes an interest in their lives. She also helped us connect with teachers in the school system who could give me advice on dealing with specific learning issues. Other friends who used the supervising teacher option have hired certified teachers in the school system or have found certified teachers who were currently homeschoolers.
Because Iowa allows for dual enrollment, my kids could participate in extracurricular activities in the local school system. Our school system has a tough policy concerning grade requirements in those activities. You could be the best person on the speech team but with one bad grade, you’re out. Since all the coaches knew the kids had a supervising teacher who was overseeing their schoolwork and who would let them know if their schoolwork dropped below the acceptable level, all four kids were active in extracurricular activities, including speech, drama, show choir, and sports. The sports led two of them to college scholarships.
Even more importantly, I found that Iowa’s regulations gave standing to my children’s academic qualifications when it was time for college. Ultimately that meant they went to college and are on their way, successfully, to degrees. For two of my children, you see, college was not an interesting concept, but they desperately wanted to play a college sport. Fortunately, they were each recruited to play their freshman year, which as kids who found academics difficult and who are terrible test takers, was the only way they were interested in college. Their athletic ability was also their only route to scholarships since their ACT scores were never going to get them there.
The NCAA, however, has certain regulations as to who is eligible to play their first year, one of which is high school graduation. With my older son, the coach had a lot of doubts about how to work homeschooling into those requirements. My son was a great recruit for him, but no coach wants to go back and forfeit a bunch of games because he or she made a mistake about eligibility. While I was able to create a very pretty transcript of his high school classes and a wonderful diploma, it was not sufficient because it could not by itself be fully verified.
Eventually, the college eligibility office decided that because we had chosen the supervising teacher option and she could therefore verify that we had indeed taught the necessary core courses, and because the school system had received her evaluations and our paperwork on a timely basis, my older son was eligible. The school superintendent simply crafted a letter testifying to these events, and that eligibility requirement was met. That set a standard then for the younger son, and for other homeschool kids who wanted to play sports their first year at that college.
If we hadn’t had excellent homeschool standards in Iowa, my children would not be where they are today. I hadn’t anticipated they would be good enough to play a college sport, since those qualities did not emerge until later in high school, and so I would not have been foresighted enough to have a supervising teacher, or to make sure they met those NCAA core requirements for classes. Both boys now say that it’s not sports that keep them in school. It’s the learning and what it will do for them in the long run. But without that firsthand experience of how it could work with their learning requirements and without that lure of playing a college sport, they would never have had the passion to pursue a degree. As I see their pride in their accomplishments, I thank Iowa for their concern for my children and for the state’s high education standards, of which we Iowans have always been proud.
As I look at the pending repeal of Iowa’s homeschooling law, I am appalled. It’s not like the paperwork is all that difficult, and the assessment is in the best interest of the child. Having been part of very large homeschool groups, I can honestly say I never heard anyone complain about the requirement. We always looked down on those states without the standards we had. I’ve called Governor Terry Branstad and asked him to line item veto Division XI of House File 215 so that current and future homeschooled children can have the same excellent experience as my own children.
Jackie Cordon homeschooled her children in Iowa for fifteen years. She wrote this essay in 2013 following the repeal of Iowa’s homeschool law. For additional thoughts and experiences from other homeschool parents, see our Testimonials page.
Last Updated: 16 May, 2016 by CRHE
Keith and Gail Brightbill: “We are strong believers in accountability”
“Space does not permit us to discuss the many more positive benefits homeschool parents and their children receive by having accountability procedures in place. Following a few requirements is not burdensome and provides protection for both the parent and child and ensures a successful homeschool experience for all. Remember, the goal is to prepare our children to be educated, moral, productive members of society.”
We homeschooled under the covering of an umbrella school, and served on the school’s board of directors for at least 15 years. Requirements for school membership were closely fashioned after the state homeschool statute requirements. Parents were required to keep daily attendance records, (180 days, the same as the state public school statute) keep a daily log of lesson plans, keep a portfolio representative of the student’s work, and have an end of year evaluation using one of three methods: (1) standardized achievement test (2) Evaluation by a certified teacher or, (3) any other method mutually agreed upon by the parent and the board. The student must show yearly progress commensurate with his/her ability.
These requirements were not at all burdensome and were designed to help parents ensure that their child received a quality education. Not only were parents accountable to the board, they also received and welcomed valuable support as they embarked on the educational choice of homeschooling.
During our 18 years of homeschooling we witnessed many successful students go on to become happy, productive members of society. But, we also witnessed some homeschool failures as parents did not provide an adequate education for their children. The parents did not hold themselves accountable, either under an umbrella school as allowed by law in our state, or by following the state law requirements for homeschooling. They were accountable to no one and their children did not learn. They could not do the basic 3 R’s of reading, ‘riting, and ‘rithmetic. They could not get into college nor could they find gainful employment.
Another important issue is that without accountability in place there is the strong potential that child abuse will go unreported. A young boy in our community died at the hands of his adoptive parents who were ostensibly homeschooling. They had not adhered to existing homeschool laws. The repeated abuse went undetected because the parents hid the abuse in their home and had no contact with the outside world. Both parents were convicted of the abuse and murder of their son and are serving life sentences.
We strongly urge parents who choose to educate their children at home to make themselves accountable by following existing homeschool laws, keep good records (important for transcripts to get your child into college), and support homeschool laws that have reasonable oversight to protect children and ensure they receive a good education.
Space does not permit us to discuss the many more positive benefits homeschool parents and their children receive by having accountability procedures in place. Following a few requirements is not burdensome and provides protection for both the parent and child and ensures a successful homeschool experience for all. Remember, the goal is to prepare our children to be educated, moral, productive members of society.
Kieth and Gail Brightbill homeschooled their children in Florida in the 1980s and 1990s. For additional thoughts and experiences from other homeschool parents, see our Testimonials page.
Last Updated: 16 May, 2016 by CRHE
Jane Morgan: “I was the homeschooled kid who grew up to become a homeschool mom”
“If there had been more regulations on homeschooling in the states in which I lived I would have been more aware of my success or failure as my children’s primary educator. We are taught as homeschoolers to protect our privacy at all costs. But so much stress would have been alleviated with more oversight.”
I was the homeschooled kid (K—12th grade) who grew up to become a homeschool mom; what they call “second generation homeschoolers”. I was homeschooled in North Carolina from 1983 to 1996. Homeschooling was all I knew. My parents were upper middle class most of my childhood; mother was a college trained educator and my dad was a successful business owner. Both were strongly religious and home life was strict but loving and happy.
My early homeschool experience was ridged, disciplined, and could only be described as very thorough. My mom planned, researched, and organized during every evening, weekend, and the entire summer; researching new curriculum, writing articles for our state homeschool lobbyist group, and shuttling us to lots of extra curricular activities. My only brother and I were getting a fabulous education and were quite well socialized. While my mom lived under constant misgivings over her ability to give us the best out there nonetheless, there is no question our education was stellar, causing our family to attract media attention and we were featured in TV and newsprint articles on several occasions about the emerging homeschool movement in America.
By the time, the 90’s came, the Christian Homeschool Movement (CHM) was gaining speed and branching out. No longer were all the conferences and magazines solely focused on educating your child at home. Steadily the focus shifted to “shaping minds and hearts”. Radical ideas on parenting from over a generation ago were being recycled with shiny new names like “Quiverful” and “Godly living” and “Courtship”. Suddenly, it seemed, homeschoolers were militant about attacking societal norms. And my family was right there with them.
My mother got a tubal reversal and had two more children in quick succession. Suddenly my jeans and shorts were replaced with jean jumpers and skirts. We started attending smaller and smaller churches. The extracurriculars ended. We moved out of the city and my dad sold his business. Our home and home education became a stifling and controlling thing. Michael Pearl books entered our house and regular beatings with them. I was 14 now and my life felt over. But even still, I was the pretty, demure little homeschooled girl behind the curriculum table, the perfect poster child for home education. Every few months when my family manned booths at Christian Homeschool conferences around the country. I convinced nervous moms that anyone could homeschool. I extolled my unique and exciting education and proudly used big words many of those moms didn’t even know. By the time they left my table they were sold, running off to drag their own little girls over to meet this “exemplary young lady”. It was all a lie. I was miserable and dying inside. But as long as nobody knew I felt my life could go on. I desperately wanted to be who I was expected to be! I never would be but I wanted to so badly!
Then suddenly I was grown and the man who had filled my dreams since I was 16 finally met with my dad’s approval and a quick and crazy, topsy turvy “Courtship” ensued. We were married when I was barely 19 and we were pregnant a month later. There was no space between raising siblings and having kids of my own. It all happened so fast.
I had been battling depression since I turned 13. I thought being blissfully happy and so in love would make me stop feeling depressed and maybe it did for a few years. But with the discovery of my 3rd pregnancy in less than 4 years everything fell apart. I didn’t want another child. At all. I could not understand why it HAD to be God’s will for me to be pregnant continuously, as I had been raised to believe. I was doing fine with my 2 kids before my second wedding anniversary, but 3? This was more than I could take. And with each passing day of my pregnancy I was more and more angry and more and more depressed. When my beautiful daughter was born the anger vanished, but in its place settled the darkest depression I had ever experienced. Honestly I barely remember that year.
When I was finally diagnosed with Postpartum Depression, my life was in shambles. Medication literally saved my life but within 2 years another baby joined our family. By now I thought something was wrong with me. I didn’t want to be the “quiverfull” ideal I had been raised to believe was my purpose!! I was terrified of pregnancy and desperately wanted to stop having babies! I tried all kinds of “Christian approved” barrier methods but I kept getting pregnant. Baby number 5 was the tipping point. I was now homeschooling my 2nd, 1st and kinder grade students (I began homeschooling the first in 2003, when we lived in Kansas). I stumbled through my days feeling like everything I did I failed at. My oldest could barely read despite being a brilliant child, my second child did nothing I asked her to do, and my third was so bright and constantly begged for more school work to do. All I did was put them off by throwing little workbooks books at them while the expensive curriculums I bought collected dust. I lived in constant fear that someone would realize how poorly I handled everything.
I hated every single thing about being a homeschool mom. I constantly looked for a way out. A way out of having babies, a way out of homeschooling, a way out of the isolation and depression that by now was never far from me. But the fear kept me rooted to the spot. I was at least pleasing God, right? I had that “full quiver” I was supposed to have. I kept them home with me and oh so safe and sheltered. We didn’t have cable TV. I frequently heard from other homeschool moms, “Don’t worry! You are doing the right thing. Even if your kids don’t learn the 3 R’s everyday, at least they are learning character!” . . . whatever the heck that meant. What, “character” like putting off an education is always an option? Or maybe “character” like having children around all the time makes parents constantly miserable so I have to “take care” of them in order to not feel like a burden?? What, like THAT kind of “character”?
Fear of public schools and “kids out in the world” was always in the back of my mind. When I finally hit rock bottom and couldn’t function anymore and went and enrolled my kids in our local public school I thought I would throw up their first day of school. It was the fall of 2007; we now lived in Missouri. I dropped them off and panicked the entire day. I paced. I cried. I watched the clock. When I finally picked them up I was shocked at how happy and excited they were. “BEST DAY EVER MOM!!!” they shouted as soon they yanked the car door open. I couldn’t believe it. They bonded with teachers, they made friends, they got to choose their own food in the cafeteria! It was all magical to them! Was it perfect? No. But slowly I began to heal. I began to come alive again. For the first time in many years I was finally making dinner, I was getting out of bed in the mornings, and for the first time ever I was on birth control! I felt like I had a whole new lease on life!
But the fear nagged, and the lack of control over our schedule, and knowing several mid-school year moves were coming up, made us go back to homeschooling after that year. I thought after a year break I was healthy enough to manage educating my kids again. But each year I had more on my plate. Even at my best, each child was only getting about 3 days worth of their curriculum done a week. No matter how we did the schedule I was constantly behind. There were no weekends. No real holidays. No summer breaks. No, all we did was try to get something done . . . every. single. day. I was back to hating my life and before long, stopped getting out of bed again.
Finally, after 3 years of homeschooling again, during the summer before my oldest turned 13 years old, he came to my room one day, clutching some papers in hand. “Can I talk to you Mom?” What he said rocked my world. He hugged me first, then said, “I think its time for us kids to go to real school. I love being home with you Mom and I know you try hard but we need to learn more. And I don’t think that’s going to happen here at home with you.” I gulped. He was right. Tears filled my eyes as I stared at my hands. “I’ve been doing some checking. There is a school not far from here. My friend from church goes to school there. Will you please check it out? I bet they have a website,” he said hopefully. As soon as I found the website, in big bold letters across the top it said “TUITION-FREE, CHARTER SCHOOL.” I read everything on the site in the next few hours and read reviews elsewhere online. By the time my husband got home I was ready to enroll them. It was 2011; we now lived in Texas.
It was a great year. A year that changed my life. I became a totally different kind of mom. By this time all 5 kids were school age and I bit my fingernails for weeks waiting to hear they were too far behind for the grades I placed them in. But instead they brought home good grades. They struggled a little but this school had lots of former homeschoolers so the teachers and staff knew what to expect and how to help them adjust. The youngest ones had no trouble at all and the oldest mostly struggled with a few holes in their education but for the most part rapidly caught up. When we moved again at the end of that school year I was committed to never educating at home again. And we based our search for a home more heavily on the school district. We settled in a place with great public schools and our kids again, thrived.
My world opened up. I went to my kids sports games and met other parents. I volunteered to help with decorations for parties, and became friends with my kids teachers. They were so much more knowledgable than I was and they found my kids strengths and celebrated them and helped them work hard on their weak areas. Slowly it dawned on me that my kids were going through the same things socially I was with adults in my life. The kids in public schools weren’t some mutant life form. They were just people; real, raw, growing people. And my kids were learning to love and accept people who were different than them and to stand up for themselves too. They were finding out about the world around them. And I was right there to be apart of that. My relationship with each of my children deepened. My depression ended. The weight lifted from my shoulders.
I am aware that some parents can and do homeschool well, like my mother did in my early years as a homeschooled child, when we lived in a large city and had a robust and thriving homeschool organization to be involved in. But as a parent, I wasn’t myself able to provide that or be involved in that. I am proof that not everyone can homeschool. And not everyone should.
If there had been more regulations on homeschooling in the states in which I lived I would have been more aware of my success or failure as my children’s primary educator. We are taught as homeschoolers to protect our privacy at all costs. But so much stress would have been alleviated with more oversight. Resources from the local school district would have been helpful, or at least having a state hotline where I could ask questions and find out about support groups in my area would have been good. Requiring testing every few years (as most states do for public school students) would have helped keep me accountable to stay on track with the curriculum. Plus would help identify weak areas in my students.
Pushing the government out of home education completely does not help the cause of homeschooling or the parents who attempt to do it. And it certainly doesn’t better protect children. Accountability and greater transparency can only improve the situation for everyone. It doesn’t limit rights, it simply brings to light those who are thriving and allows those who are struggling to get help. For me, letting go of a fear of our American school system and realizing that my personal involvement in my children’s education didn’t mean my only option was to homeschool was a huge relief! And opened a whole new world of educational opportunities for my children. I still believe homeschooling can be a wonderful option for education, but in order for its success to be known, we must be more open to accountability and minimal standards must be met.
Jane Morgan was homeschooled in North Carolina from 1983 to 1996. She homeschooled her own children from 2003 to 2011 in Kansas, Missouri, and Texas. For additional thoughts and experiences from other homeschool alumni and homeschool parents, see our Testimonials page.
Last Updated: 16 May, 2016 by CRHE
Chandra B.: “Protections are a necessary part of all educational systems”
“Today as a public school educator, I advocate for strict oversight of homeschooling not only because of my horrible childhood, but also because I have been that typical homeschooling mom trying to do the best she can with little resources and support around her to daily keep her motivated.”
As a homeschooling parent, I was aware of the holes in my education to a certain extent. I felt that I could do a better job and still give my son a sound education while avoiding the pitfalls. What became apparent was that my son was not going to get an education as I lacked the accountability of a structure to keep him doing school daily. I didn’t realize the issues that I was having in motivating my son to do his work were not his fault and slowly I found that “homeschool” was morphing into one long, never ending snow day.
After expressing concern, my husband and I placed our oldest son into public school. Not only did he thrive, we also discovered a key component to helping him succeed in life and that was his Asperger/ADHD/SPD diagnosis. Without the support and resources of the public school, our son would not be at near the level of achievement that he is currently.
Today as a public school educator, I advocate for strict oversight of homeschooling not only because of my horrible childhood, but also because I have been that typical homeschooling mom trying to do the best she can with little resources and support around her to daily keep her motivated. Further oversight and accountability are necessary to help these vulnerable children succeed. But they also are necessary because they provide the family with help, tools, and support when things don’t go as planned. Oversight and protections are a necessary part of all educational systems to ensure teacher and student success. Homeschools should be among them. For these reasons and many others, I support further regulation of home education.
Chandra B. was homeschooled in Missouri from 1986 to 1999. She homeschooled her own children in Missouri in 2008. For additional thoughts and experiences from other homeschool alumni, see our Testimonials page.
Last Updated: 20 October, 2023 by CRHE
Teresa M.: “P only cared about her check clearing.”
“At the time my parents were homeschooling us in the state of Ohio a certified teacher was needed to sign off that the children were being educated. They were supposed to look over the last year’s work to verify. The woman who did ours was also a member of our church and homeschool support group and never even looked at the stuff mom brought her, which wasn’t much. I even remember mom commenting that ‘P only cared about her check clearing.’”
I was homeschooled from 1988 to 1993, from 7th through 12 grade, by two high school dropouts. Kindergarten through 6th grades I went to both public and private Christian schools. My parents chose to homeschool us for religious reasons. They did not want us learning “worldly” things.
In the beginning Mom did a fairly good job educating us. I was easy, she just made out my lesson plans and I did it all myself from there. It was very boring, I’d read from my books and answer questions and then move on to the next subject. I was more focused on getting it over with as fast as possible than I was learning anything. Mom was too busy with all my younger siblings to really pay attention to me or my schoolwork. There was never enough money for curriculum either. Mom and Dad saw more importance in my younger siblings’ books than mine. They often would only buy the teachers edition of the books and make my work from that. Mom would carefully tape tiny slips of paper over the correct answers and make copies to make my tests. I was always able to tell which one she’d covered and always got the right answer, of course.
Now as a parent of two teenagers I see what I missed by seeing what they are learning. I feel like I really got no high school education to speak of. Not only was my education hurt, but also my emotional and mental growth was stunted by the isolation I experienced. As a teen everyone said I was very mature for my age but as an adult I feel very behind in just about every area of life. I looked mature because I was always caring for one of my six younger siblings. I’ve been parenting since I was 12 years old. As I got older and the babies kept coming my education became less about math, history, and such and more about “family living,” you know, keeping house, cooking, etc. College was never an option for me and was actually demonized. It was a scary, evil place where they taught lies like evolution and feminism. Even getting my GED was out of the question—a man at church implied that the GED test was linked to “big brother” somehow. And besides, I didn’t really need an education, I was just supposed to be a submissive wife who bore many children while homeschooling and catering to my husband’s every whim. That was “God’s will” for my life.
As bad as my education ended up being it was actually worse for my younger siblings. I at least had the basics from being in school through elementary. The younger kids started out being homeschooled. The next brother younger than me was very intelligent and began reading at age four, he got an okay education for the first few years. I’m sure in a school setting he would have been placed in a gifted child program and done great. Instead, as he got older Dad would take him to help with whatever job he was on at the time (he was a contractor). He was supposed to catch up on his schoolwork on other days but that didn’t really happen. So instead of being a gifted student in a real school he was busy out doing manual labor at a very young age. Soon the next brother after him, who tended to struggle with schoolwork, was out on the job with Dad too, and his education got put to the wayside as well. The last four children are girls and were in their early elementary years when my Mother announced she was leaving my father and all the kids were put in public school.
All of them were years behind in their schooling. After years of struggling and academically and being bullied, four of my siblings ultimately dropped out of high school and only the two youngest graduated.
At the time my parents were homeschooling us in the state of Ohio a certified teacher was needed to sign off that the children were being educated. They were supposed to look over the last year’s work to verify. The woman who did ours was also a member of our church and homeschool support group and never even looked at the stuff mom brought her, which wasn’t much. I even remember mom commenting that “P only cared about her check clearing.”
I feel VERY strongly that if there was someone really looking at what we were doing and being taught it could have made all the difference in my siblings’ and my own education. If their early education had been better my siblings could have had a much easier time when they were put in school—perhaps they would have even graduated. It could have made all the difference in their lives.
As for myself, who knows what I could have become had I been given a proper education? I know being isolated causes long-term damage to a person—I suffer its consequences daily. I know that simple conversation can be absolutely humiliating when something you never learned comes up—something everyone else learned in middle school.
Homeschooling has its place and if done right can produce well educated students. But it can also be the perfect hiding place for a controlling, abusive parent, and even for parents who determine how much and what kind of education you get based on your gender. There has to be monitoring, safeguards in place to make sure children are really being taught, because all children have the right to an education no matter their gender or religious beliefs.
Theresa M. was homeschooled from 1988 to 1993, from 7th through 12 grade, in Ohio. For additional thoughts and experiences from other homeschool alumni, see our Testimonials page.
Last Updated: 16 May, 2016 by CRHE
Megan P.: “I do not wish my experience on anyone”
“I was constantly reminded that if I didn’t vouch for my family in the most favorable light, I could and probably would be separated from them. (I now recognize that to be another clear sign of abuse.) The fear of child protective services, and social workers in general (being agents who tore families apart), was both irrational yet deeply ingrained in me as a child.”
I’m a 33-year-old mother of three. I was educated by homeschooling from 1985 to 1990 in Illinois and 1991 to 1995 in Pennsylvania. From all outward appearances, my life is fabulous. I’m married, in a stable relationship, my husband and I own our own business, I have been educated to graduate level, I have healthy, vibrant, intelligent children. Yes, I have everything going for me. But lift away the layers and you’ll meet a deeply broken woman who struggles to meet life’s demands, its ebb and flow, with endurance, confidence, and the zest that is deeply a part of her core.
Growing up, I always knew something was wrong with my family. I felt like an outsider, I almost always felt afraid of my parents, and when I didn’t, the fear was replaced with an awkwardness I couldn’t quite pinpoint. Any attempt to establish my own identity was immediately slammed with extreme methods of dignity-robbing. Do I blame the abuse on homeschooling? No. I place the blame on my parents, adults who needed help they refused to recognize they needed. In my experience, homeschooling equaled intentional isolation. Isolation is very often the first sign of abuse.
Only in recent years (2009 to present), have I finally been able to name the abuse for what it was and, in part, understand my parents for who they were in my formative years: well-intentioned but entirely misguided. Through the extensive testimony of my experiences, my dad has been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder, sex addiction, narcissism, and dissociative complex. My mother has been identified as having severe borderline personality disorder and narcissism. Any time in the past four years that a new diagnosis on the part of my parents has been revealed, I have gone through a period of severe anxiety, depression, and grief. Words on a screen don’t seem to relay the depth of my experience. I have often told my husband and close friends that my therapists’ shocked facial expressions have been the most validating therapy for me. Writing has helped. Various methods of trauma therapy have helped to an extent. But for me, what has been most healing has been human-to-human interaction and validation. And time. Lots and lots of time.
My parents decided to homeschool as a means of “protecting” my brother and I from the social and spiritual “ills” of secular society. But the vacuum created by the lack of healthy community, from my perspective defined as an integrated, wholesome, nurturing system of interaction, checks, and balances, was devastating. Sure, we socialized with people of the same religious persuasion as my parents. We even joined a few homeschooling groups for “extra” curricular activities and classes. However, and in retrospect, with my parents as sick as they were, my socialization was always carefully scrutinized and micromanaged. As an adult, I’ve learned that what I always suspected was quite accurate. It isn’t normal to have to repeat, word-for-word, conversations that occurred when parents aren’t around. It’s not normal to be given word-for-word conversations that are to take place with peers or on the phone when parents aren’t around to officiate.
I believed, being homeschooled through the elementary grades and some of middle school, that though my parents were “strict” I was basically fine. There were events I didn’t like but didn’t feel as traumatic until I hit puberty. My dad was hyper aware of his sexuality and went to great lengths to define the great difference between males and females. I was one of two children. I was the youngest and had a brother almost two years older than me. My dad involved me in his sex addiction by doing astoundingly inappropriate things.
Once I reached puberty, my parents explained what was happening to my body to MY BROTHER. It was at that point that he started molesting me. He always did it when my parents weren’t around, and he always threatened me with physical violence if I told. I lived in constant terror. I didn’t know what being raped meant, but I now know that was my constant terror. I learned to love solitude. I was only safe when I was alone. It was blessing that we lived in the country where I was allowed to be out in nature alone. I feel that nature nurtured me in that time and gave me some life back in return for the time I spent out in the sunshine and with the trees. I would have been much worse for me had I not been granted that “freedom.” When I was almost sixteen I finally told my parents about what my brother was doing. It wasn’t as often as earlier in puberty and I had gained a bit of “rebellious” confidence, so, since he continued, I told them. The reaction I received was complete betrayal. First, they denied that anything had been going on. Then, they talked to him and since he denied any of my allegations, they accused me of trying to break our family apart. I have yet to get over and heal from the sexual damage that was done by my dad and then my brother.
These examples do not encompass the totality of my experience. They offer just a sample of the depth of damage that can occur when unhealthy, controlling parents partner up and isolate their children by homeschooling with no checks and balances in effect. I truly believe that my parents thought they were doing what was right. But it didn’t make it right. My mom was involved in many subversive forms of abuse because of her issues, but she isn’t excluded from the sexual abuse. I could write for weeks on end (and have in therapy) about the incredibly weird, outrageous, and abusive events of my homeschooling years. I’d like to switch gears and touch on the academic end of the issue.
For my elementary and middle school education, homeschooling with the popular textbooks available at the time was adequate and even excelled that of local public schools. When we still lived in Illinois, a neighbor had called the school district and reported my family for truancy. The school district’s superintendent visited our home, reviewed our work, and congratulated my mom on providing an excellent education. In higher grades however, my parents did not provide access to continued excellence.
At 12 years of age, the summer before beginning 9th grade (I had been pushed ahead two grades in order to study the same subject matter as my brother), I asked my parents to send me to school. They met my request with an INTERVENTION of homeschooling moms who had either attended public school themselves or had children they had pulled out of the public school system. I didn’t listen to half they said, it all sounded so horrible. The main point I debated with my parents was that I wanted to go to college (I was 12 years old, mind you), and that I wanted ONE high school on my transcript. They assured me that a homeschooling transcript was highly sought after by many acclaimed colleges. Additionally, the state law of Pennsylvania developed some oversight of our education by requiring regular testing and yearly portfolios to be submitted to the local district.
Well, in 9th grade, we homeschooled. In 10th grade, after my brother expressed interest in joining the football team of our local high school, my mother decided it would be best to just enroll him in classes and I quickly jumped on that opportunity as well. Being two years younger than everyone in my classes, I made some friends but had a difficult time socially, so my parents transferred us to a local private school after football season was over. In 11th grade my mom said she would homeschool me and not my brother but apparently was pressured by my dad into homeschooling both of us anyway. And then in 12th grade we attended the “school” at the church we were currently attending. My brother and I made up both the graduating class that year, as well as the entire high school. All of this to say that it wasn’t surprising in my freshman year of college, that my academic advisor laughed at my transcript and chosen major (premed biology) because he said all my peers in the same classes would have had AP courses and I just did not have the science background to compete.
It wasn’t easy, in fact I had to retake a few core courses, but I made it. I’m a doctor today, and though not practicing, I’m proud of what I accomplished. For the time being I am taking the time I need to care for myself, and my healing, while doing my best to raise my own family with an entirely new set of values. I’m attempting to leave an inspiring legacy and one of acceptance and love.
On the topic of regulation or oversight, I don’t know that any system would be effective with homeschooling families of the type I grew up with. I was constantly reminded that if I didn’t vouch for my family in the most favorable light, I could and probably would be separated from them. (I now recognize that to be another clear sign of abuse.) The fear of child protective services, and social workers in general (being agents who tore families apart), was both irrational yet deeply ingrained in me as a child. I do wish that someone had had the ears to listen and hear what I was going through, but I’m not convinced I had vernacular to describe it as a child, adolescent, or even young adult. For years, I just described my parents as super strict and weird. I now know it was much worse than that. I talked to a pastor after high school and parents of friends in high school (those friendships were shortly cut off by my parents due to “bad influences”) and they listened but, again, I don’t think I had the ability to truly communicate the depth of what was happening because I was still living through it and it was still “normal” to me.
I do not wish my experience on anyone. Yet, as seasons shift in my life, I become increasingly aware that as I heal from my trauma, as the pain changes to anger and grief and acceptance, I am more who I am because of what I lived through. So while I wouldn’t, at any price, want to live through my experience of homeschooling again, I know I am stronger, deeper, and more real to the people close to me today because of it. In the words of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
Megan P. was homeschooled in Illinois and Pennsylvania from 1985 to 1995. For additional thoughts and experiences from other homeschool alumni, see our Testimonials page.
Last Updated: 8 April, 2018 by CRHE
Kimberly R.: “Every abuse had a magnified effect on us”
“My mother . . . read to us a lot and corrected our grammar constantly. As a result, my siblings and I all have excellent literary skills. However, both of my parents were sorely lacking in the area of math and science. Since they were the only source of academic support that I had access to, I did not have access to a proper math and science education. I was told many times in my childhood that boys are naturally better at math and science, and that I, being a girl could never excel, so I never tried.”
I was homeschooled in Portland, Oregon, between 1985 and 1993, from kindergarten until 7th grade. The decision to homeschool was made the year that I would have started kindergarten. All of my older siblings had gone to school, and I felt a huge loss when I was informed that I could not go to school. My parents were evangelical Christians with a literal interpretation of the Bible. They believed that the public school system was anti-Christian because of the teaching of evolution and sex-education, among other things. They also criticized the schools for inadequacy in teaching academics properly. I heard many horror stories about how many public schooled children did not know how to read.
My mother was our primary teacher. She had no high school diploma or GED. She read to us a lot and corrected our grammar constantly. As a result, my siblings and I all have excellent literary skills. However, both of my parents were sorely lacking in the area of math and science. Since they were the only source of academic support that I had access to, I did not have access to a proper math and science education. I was told many times in my childhood that boys are naturally better at math and science, and that I, being a girl could never excel, so I never tried.
The state of Oregon required that we take tests every few years to measure our progress in homeschool. I scored highly on the reading and writing portion of the test, but barely met sufficiency in the area of science and math. The science curriculum that we used focused a great deal on the idea of creation, and the various “scientific” proofs against evolution, neglecting basic information about cellular life. I did not go to college until I was well into adulthood, when I was already raising children, because during my homeschool education I was always lead to believe that college was not accessible to me.
I went to public school in 7th and 8th grade. My dad acted like he was doing me a favor “letting” me go to school and had me sign a contract that I would abstain from a list of immoral activities and keep my grades up, under the threat that I would be pulled out of school. In reality, my mom was going to work, and my dad was going to be working from home, so it was to his advantage to have us out of the house, but the whole time I was in school, I felt under the threat of being pulled out at any time. By the time I got to high school, I was too overwhelmed and dropped out. My inadequate homeschool education made it hard to handle the academic demands of public school, and contributed significantly to me dropping out.
Despite the academic gaps in my homeschool education, the largest gap was social. I suffered greatly from social isolation. I was able to make a few friends in my neighborhood, but neighborhood children would come and go, so I had no lasting connections. There were years that went by when I had no friends at all. I had intense social anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem my entire growing up years. We were taught a theology that human beings were depraved because of original sin, and that having self-esteem was a sin. My father was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. Every abuse had a magnified effect on us because there was no escape from our home environment, and every ideology taught by our parents had a manifold influence on us because we were isolated from the influence of other people.
When children are taught at home, they are left to the mercy of their parents. If their parents happen to be educated, if they happen to understand child development and the need for socialization, then those are lucky homeschooled children. But what if their parents are religious extremists who hold none of these characteristics? What if my parents had not only been uneducated religious extremists, but also illiterate? There are no regulations that would disallow these parents from schooling them in the way that they saw fit, so long as the children were tested every few years, and could meet minimally sufficient standards.
Public school may not be perfect, but there are certain elements of exposure that a child will be ensured in the public school environment. None of this is guaranteed to the homeschooled child. I was homeschooled against my will. There was nothing that I would have liked more than to be able to go to school. But my parents, out of religious zeal, were allowed to isolate me from the world and from a proper education. This is the case because homeschool advocacy groups have fought for the rights of homeschooling parents. The rights of parents are clearly advocated for, but what about the rights of children? Do children not have the right to an education? Do children not have the right to grow up free from abuse?
Kimberly R. was homeschooled in Oregon from 1985 and 1993, from kindergarten until 7th grade. For additional thoughts and experiences from other homeschool alumni, see our Testimonials page.
Last Updated: 16 May, 2016 by CRHE
Lana Martin: “I suffered severe depression, suicidality, and disordered eating”
“Early in my childhood, my mother was diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety disorder; throughout the homeschool years she struggled to function as a mother, let alone as an educator. . . . My mother also exhibited traits of borderline personality disorder and was unpredictable and frequently intrusive, hypercritical, and explosively angry.”
I was homeschooled in Texas from 1995 to 2002, from 5th through 12th grades. My parents were motivated to homeschool me because of their fundamentalist Christian beliefs, stemming from a traditional, conservative Southern Baptist culture. My father was not very religious but deferred childrearing decisions to my mother, who wanted to isolate and protect me from secular influences in the public school environment. She believed that homeschooling would save me from harmful experiences such as teasing and drug use, as well as spiritually dangerous ideas such as atheism and biological evolution. My father worked in vocational education and my mother was a stay-at-home mom, despite financial difficulties in the family. Both my parents are college educated. Aside from my mother’s struggles with mental illness and their lack of social life, my parents may have seemed like responsible-enough homeschooling parents when they began to consider withdrawing me from public school.
My mother supervised my education for the first few months of 5th grade. Following her lesson plans, I was instructed to read textbook chapters and fill out workbooks. Initially, my mother checked these books and assigned grades. After a few months I was given assignments but my work was not graded. By the following year, my mother was not supervising my education at all, despite buying new textbooks each fall. I feel I was given an inadequate homeschool education because I received no formal education from 6th through 12th grade. While I read novels, found educational articles on the internet, and occasionally filled out workbooks on my own, I did not have an opportunity to participate in discussion with another person, write papers, or take exams. I did not participate in activities, competitions, sports, or lessons of any type. When, at 17, I realized I needed to study for the GED in order to seek college admission, I used the math curriculum to teach myself algebra. At 18, I struggled to gain fundamental social and educational skills while attending college full-time and working retail part-time.
In fact, I have struggled for most of my adult life to move past my abusive childhood. My parents physically abused me with excessive corporal punishment from age 3 or 4 until age 9 or 10, usually by hitting me with a hard object or beating me with a leather belt. My parents also emotionally and verbally abused me in several ways throughout my childhood. My father was withdrawn and rarely displayed affection to me. He had problems managing his anger when I was too loud or accidentally broke something. Early in my childhood, my mother was diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety disorder; throughout the homeschool years she struggled to function as a mother, let alone as an educator. My father decided that, as a child kept at home all day, household tasks such as cooking and cleaning were my responsibility. My mother also exhibited traits of borderline personality disorder and was unpredictable and frequently intrusive, hypercritical, and explosively angry.
Although my mother initially kept me involved in a local home educators’ group, after age 13 she withdrew us from social activities. Thus, for approximately six years I did not have substantial contact with anyone, adult or adolescent, outside of my family. I suffered severe depression, suicidality, and disordered eating during my later teenage years; my parents did not seek help for me as they labeled my behavior “sinful, teenage rebellion”. The physical abuse stopped before my parents began homeschooling me; however, the imposed isolation allowed my parents to perpetuate and hide their neglect and emotional abuse until I turned 18.
My family environment was clearly abusive and dysfunctional before homeschooling began, but oversight might have improved my homeschooling experience in several ways. In the school district where I lived, parents were not required to register homeschooled children and were simply asked to file a vague letter of intent upon withdrawal. Registration with the local school district would have required my parents to face school officials and engage in dialogue about their rationale and preparations. My parents failed to educate me, perhaps valuing my separation from a secular environment over the quality of my education; annual lesson plan approval and testing might have encouraged more earnest academic investment on their behalf. At the very least, such measures might have brought attention to my situation. My parents believed that children should not be allowed to have a voice in regards to their education or psychological wellbeing; contact with other adults might have provided me access to a person who could have listened to and respected my thoughts and feelings about my situation or my mental health.
My mother’s aim with homeschooling was to restrict my education and socialization to the point where her religious extremist ideology and emotional needs were satisfied. Any type of interaction with an education agency might have helped break down the barrier my parents constructed between my adolescent self and mainstream society. Throughout my homeschool education, my parents ignored my needs and interests in order to satisfy their own ideas and compulsions. Oversight might have allowed me to better develop knowledge and skills necessary for adapting to mainstream society—ultimately, for surviving as an adult.
My inadequate homeschool education and abusive childhood was never acknowledged by anyone within or outside of my family. No adult in my immediate or distant family intervened, nor was child protective services ever alerted to my condition. Some level of oversight needs to exist for homeschooled children because family members cannot be depended on to identify and report educational neglect and abusive behavior. Turning a blind eye is easier for many people than dealing with a difficult person or sacrificing the perfect family image for a child’s rights.
Homeschooling is a dangerous plan when abuse, isolation, and dysfunction already exist within a family. Homeschooling is also a unique challenge when parents or children already struggle with mental illness. Even minimal oversight of homeschooling would help identify high-risk families and situations of on-going neglect and abuse.
Lana Martin was homeschooled in Texas from 1995 to 2002. For additional thoughts and experiences from other homeschool alumni, see our Testimonials page.